Playing Dress Up (California)

Susan and Todd Suraci know how to get dressed up for easy access to getting down. Check out this October 31 wedding video to see how beautiful, er, handsome Susan looks ... and how Todd's ah, rockin' the gorgeous (ack!).

Golden Ticket (Utah)

Deleece Hall loves her some candy. Ever since she was but a pup, the daring bride envisioned a wedding of Willy Wonka proportions—cue Oompa Loompas, a chocolate river, and enough sugar to, um, cause some serious cavities. On November 7, Hall got her wish.

It helped that her now-husband, Rod Smith, was a) uber into the idea and b) a carpenter by trade. Together they envisioned and brought to life a working Wonka factory, complete with lickable wallpaper (better in theory, eh?), cotton candy trees, a candy forest, an invention room, gobstoppers, and a goose laying golden eggs. Smith even boasted a purple top hat, sealing his fate as one of the coolest grooms ever. My only beef is that I wasn’t invited.

What do you think: super sweet or too many treats?

Unnecessary tidbit: I first saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory back in the day when my parents stuck me and my sibs with a sitter while they attended a relative’s wedding. I distinctly remember we were totally PO’d kids weren’t invited. But we were extra ticked when, after the couple got divorced, the bride didn’t invite us to her second wedding. Come on woman, do we have to beg?

(photo courtesy of www.standard.net)

Wedding Lies (Michigan)

Eugene Pallisco is every guy’s hero. Every douchy guy, that is. His wife, Lesley Keith, has accused him of bigamy because he was already married–with four children–when the two wed in 2002. Pallisco, 44, maintains the faux marriage was an effort to save his business, and that Keith was in on it. Too bad he, you know, forgot to tell Keith or his first wife. Pretty sure they can’t all hug this one out.

Part of Pallisco’s testimony was that Keith helped pay for her wedding ring. Basically screams “I’m already married,” right? He also claimed that he never said “I do” at the ceremony, despite several witnesses hearing him utter the you’re-totally-suckered-in words. But this is the best: when court officials showed Pallisco photos of himself with Keith, including one of her planting a big ol’ smooch on his cheek, Pallisco insisted they were “just friends.” Dude, that’s a night on the couch for sure.

The case is still pending. But it reminds me of a Doogie Howser, MD episode in which Doogs had to field a patient’s two wives from meeting each other in the hospital—which basically proves my longstanding point that Neil Patrick Harris paints the world in cupcakes and sunshine.

What do you think: he’s the man or silly plan?

(photo courtesy of Oakland County Circuit Court)

Fan Mail (Virtual)

Ah, fan mail. I get tons. And by "fan mail," I mean "hate mail." Oodles of it is from this one chick whose wedding I wrote about -- and, to be clear, I thought I wrote about it favorably. She's sent five-ish eloquent, persuasive missives suggesting I disestablish my blog before the police do it for me. Check out her latest gem:

"hello again you stupid f*cking wh*re, would you mind taking this page off of the net. grow up you f*cking wh*re and useless sl*t. hopefully your haterid for the world, because your so sad and lonely will make sure that you do not breathe the same air as are childen and ourselves. so f*ck you, you f*cking wh*re, grow up and get a f*cking life you pointless wh*re"

There's no real reason I'm sharing this except for the fact that a) I think it's hysterical someone hates me and b) I couldn't let that superb chunk of text rot without exposure, now could I?

Good times.

(photo courtesy of Wikipedia.com)

Bake-a-Fake (Wales)

So wedding cake = delicious, yes? Yes. Unless, of course, the cake tastes like cardboard. Or, in the case of Aimee and Tony West, polystyrene. The cutey-couple were just about the knife their way into a chocolate-covered beast when the bride’s mom shouted “The cake’s a fake!” (In retrospect, thank god she was only talking about the cake.)

Seems Karen Williams, the mastermind at Creative Cakes behind the foam-like delicacy, didn’t have time to bake and ice a real, edible confection, so they delivered a prop and called it a day. Not such a tiny deal for the Wests: Aimee described it to reporters as “a terrible shock – I felt so embarrassed in front of our family and friends.”

Williams insists Aimee never confirmed her order (despite having paid upfront) and thus didn’t leave Williams proper time to bake the goods. Sounds fishy. No. Sounds polystyrene-y.

The Wests took Ms. Bake-a-Fake to court and got back the cost of the cake and all legal fees. I’d have demanded a few million bucks for pain and suffering, but that’s just me.

What do you think: terrified squeal or no big deal?

(photo courtesy of Wales News Service)

Dangerous Liaison (Pennsylvania)

Imagine finding out you're allergic to someone. Then imagine it's your husband. And you found out about this allergy on your wedding night. Oh, and the thing you're allergic to? His sperm. That's an, um, unfortunate chain of events. So know Mike, 27, and Julie Boyde, 26, from Ambridge, Pennsylvania. When Julie felt sharp pain and started developing blisters, she kinda-sorta-maybe thought something might be up.

Their doctor, Andrew Goldstein, told reporters that "The body recognizes the sperm as a foreign protein, like it would recognize a peanut allergen or a pollen so you have swelling, you have itching, you have inflammation of the nerve endings." Ha. A man in a long white coat said "sperm." After failed treatments, the Boydes have decided to adopt.

The couple's marriage is old news -- they wed in 2005 -- but the duo will be featured later this week on Strange Sex, a Discovery Health documentary.

What do you think: sucks to their assmar or adoption's better by far?

(photo courtesy of ABC News / Splash)

Child’s Play (Bulgaria)

When you’re 11, life should be pretty sweet. No real worries (um, zit popping doesn’t count, thanks), no real responsibilities, no real commitments. Not so much for child-bride Kordenza, who not only got hitched at 11 but also gave birth to a baby girl … wait for it … on the same day. Kordenza stayed in the hospital overnight, then changed back into her wedding gown and finished up the ceremony.

Kordenza’s 19-year-old husband, Jeliazko Dimitrov, faces up to six years in prison for getting a minor preggers. His defense? He thought she was 15. Oh, okay. That should hold up in court just fine. (Actually, it might, considering the city he’s from boasts 13-year-old new moms like it ain’t no thing.)

Kordeza’s defense is arguably worse. She told reporters that she hadn’t “had sex education classes and I didn't know how to get pregnant. I'd never had a boyfriend and I'd never heard of condoms.” Stumped. For. Words.

What do you think: way of life or suckered-in wife?

(photos courtesy of www.dailychilli.com)